Understanding Relationships

Let me begin by saying that I believe that Darwin had a lot on the ball. Even if evolution isn’t the primary determinant in the progress of a species, it sure as hell makes sense to me that those who adapt and learn how to thrive in an environment will survive and get to influence the next generation. There’s no heresy there. Those who win the wars get to write the history. Those who live on, get to leave their legacy, in many different ways. Women and men are different, but not so different that we can’t understand each other. Our physical forms haven’t had to evolve much over the years to accommodate survival (last I checked, I didn’t have claws or night vision), but we have had to evolve our way of thinking. Our brains developed to facilitate reasoning on many levels, and the teaching we passed on would have to evolve as well. What we think about ourselves, our world, everything, evolved from previous ignorant assumptions. In short, society as well as parents taught our children the skills/beliefs they needed to survive. What works (i.e., gets results) is used. I believe women are who they are and behave the way they do because of both biological and societal evolution. It’s emotionally based, in many cases, and it’s irrational. But, it can be understood, and that means that it’s really an irrational logic. It makes sense in its own context. It’s not guy logic; it’s girl logic. Women are not like men in their thinking about sex and relationships. You need to accept this Truth. Too many men spend their entire lives trying to “figure out” women, or understand them. You don’t need to understand, only accept them as they are and take it from there. Once you observe female behavior and stop trying to put it into your terms can you move beyond the behaviors that have held you back. The things I’m about to tell you will give structure to a concept that was once foreign to you: women, dating, and relationships. I will do this by teaching you techniques and styles of handling yourself that will enable you to develop your skills. In the first stage of dating, the most unstable time, between meeting a woman and your tenth date, you are in an extremely hazardous region. You need structure and method to navigate these treacherous waters. Later, however, if you find you do want to evolve a relationship with a woman, you will have to give up some of the artifice, and progress to a more intimate bond. Some of what I will teach, though, must be used for as long as you stay with a woman, beyond marriage to the end of your days with her.

Don’t forget : Practise Practise Practise

You will meet with failure: It’s impossible to “click” with everybody But from every failure You will learn And every time you go for it, your confidence and skill will grow.

PARTING

Your approach to leavetaking will determine your future relationship! If you want to meet the other person again, YOU WILL HAVE TO ASK !

E.G.:
“Would you like to meet me some time next week for a drink?”

PLAYFUL TEASING

playful teasing allows to increase the personal content of the exchange, while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a nonthreatening manner.

RECIPROCAL DISCLOSURE

Disclosure of almost any personal information is a move towards intimacy. The key to succesful flirting is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually and in a balanced way.

HUMOUR

Humour is necessary for succesful flirting. But inappropriate use can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds.

Fact :
BOTH TRUST AND ATTRACTION INCREASE WHEN A LIGHTHEARTED APPROACH IS USED.

++VERBAL & NON VERBAL FEEDBACK

++NON-VERBAL FEEDBACK

Effective signals : nodding, smiling, responsive facial expressions, leaning forwards, … and general positive body language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo..

++ VERBAL FEEDBACK

Good signals : Use expressions like "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah", “great”, … They show interest or agreement and encourage the other to continue..

TURN OFFS

• OVER-SERIOUSNESS

•NEGATIVITY

• PASSIVITY

• SELF-PREOCCUPATION

• BANALITY

• LACK OF ENTHUSIASM

• OVER-EXCITEMENT

• RUDE BEHAVIOUR

ACTIVE LISTENING

good listening is notjust about shutting upand letting the otherperson talk.Good listening is aboutgiving good 'feedback‘.This involves giving both verbal and nonverbal signals to showthat you are paying attention, and that you are interested.

GOOD CONVERSATION

The essence of a good conversation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners.

PERSONAL & QUESTIONING RESPONSES ARE THE BEST WAY TO ACHIEVING A GOOD CONVERSATION

USE OPEN QUESTIONS
What, when, when, why, how, … PARAPHRASE: “So you were stranded at the station … How did you get home?”

GOOD OPENING LINES

• Nice day, isn’t it ?

• Bit crowded, isn’t it ?

• Not very lively here tonight, isn’t it ?

COMPLIMENTS ARE O.K.

• That’s a nice jacket !

• Wow, You look lovely !

Touch

Touching is a subtle, Powerful and complex

Form of communication.

Just a light, brief touch on the arm during a short social encounter may have immediate and lasting positive effects.

Correct touching helps to advance the relationship.

But inappropriate use of touching could ruin your chances for ever!


Arm Touch

If a light touch on the arm to draw attention or express support produces a negative reaction, you might as well give up now ! Some degree of intimacy is required before proceeding to a brief hand touch

Ask Permission

Do not proceed without prior positive reaction ! Perform each touch at least twice before progressing to the next level : This tells your companion the touch was not accidental and is a non verbal way for asking for permission.

- - - Gestures

• Palm rubbing

• Display of anxiety or nervosity

• Blank, unexpressive face

• Closed, near-tobody movements

+++ Male

• Enhancing masculine appearance

• Hands in pockets with elbows out (enlarging chest)

• Leaning against wall with one hand placed above sholder height (appearing taller)

• Stand tall

• Move hands to belt

+++ Female

• Enhance feminity

• Draw knees towards body when seated (looking smaller)

• Arch back (breasts !)

• Cross and recross legs

• Display body

• Stroke neck, thigh, face, arms, hair, …

• Whisper

• Lick lips

+++ Gestures

• Give good face

• Nod in agreement

• Open palm hand movements

• Synchronisation

• Hair flipping

• Head tossing

• Eyebrow flashing

• Parting lips

• Preening (touching clothes, face or hair)

Body Signs

Negative body signs

• Body turned away

• Feet turned away

• Leaning backward

• Folded arms or legs

• Looking around

• Looking bored

Positive body signs

• Body oriented towards you

• Leaning forward

• Open posture

• Head tilted to one side

• Mirroring your posture

• Smiling

• Looking happy

• Looking at mouth

Sometimes a reduced dinstance is tolerated

• When you are side by side with someone

• In crowdy places

• With people you know and trust

Interpersonal distance

At 1m (4’) you are at the borderline between the social zone and the personal zone

• Move closer only if you receive a positive signal

• Moving into the intimate zone 0m50 (2’6”) may cause discomfort

Eyes are very powerful !

If, after making eye contact and briefly holding someones gaze, the other looks away and then looks back, you know (s)he is interested !
---- DO NOT OVERDO EYECONTACT ----


Basic rules for eye contact
1. 1st short contact

2. Look away, then look back

3. Make contact again to start conversation

4. Look while listening

5. Look away while talking

How To Flirt?

• Show liking, interest and admiration – smile !

• Compliment – smile !!

• Ask for advice – smile !!!

• Do not try to impress or show off; be yourself

• Make her/him laugh !

• Tease, but with care

• Never lie

• Make her/him feel good

• Be attentive

• Offer a good time

• Keep her/him happy

• Be real

• Make her/him talk

• Listen more, speak less

• Make her/him laugh !!

• Don’t be boring

• Surprise positively

• Don’t be over serious

• Don’t communicate too directly

• Plan. If you fail to plan, then you are planning to fail

• Know what to say and dare to say it

• Compliment her/him

• Don’t look desperate

• Keep things playful


PRACTISE PRACTISE

Flirting is both an art and a skill You have to experience it in order to become good at it

Who to pick ?

1. People with roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself

• Men are inclined to overestimate their attractiveness.

• Women are often more attractive than they think.

2. Flirt with people who are likely to return your interest

3. Women favour men that are taller and older than them, with higher status and earning potential

4. Men favour younger and prettier women.

5. Self-confidence and charm are important

Who to flirt with ?

• More or less anyone

• Be cautious with people who are married or attached

• Know that men have a tendency to mistake friendly behaviour for sexual flirting

• Avoid sending ambiguous signals

Different sorts of flirting

• Light hearted flirting:
= flirting for fun
= harmless, enjoyable

• Flirting with intent:
= essential element of the mate-selection process

Where to flirt ?

• At parties, social occasions and celebrations

• In pubs, bars, discos, …

• In schools, colleges,universities ,…

• At work

• In sports- and leisure clubs and groups

Why do we flirt ?

Basic Instinct

If we do not initiate contact and show Interest in the Opposite Sex, our species would become extinct.


The problem

FLIRTING IS
• Governed by a complex set of unwritten laws
• Sometimes inappropriate
• Many men experience difficulties in interpreting women’s body-language